A Few Comments about the Men’s Room

Automatic Flush Toilets

There are few things in the world as joyous as interacting with an automatic flush toilet.  You go into the stall, pull a seat cover out of the dispenser, arrange it on the toilet seat, turn around to drop your pants, and the automatic toilet flushes it down.  You try this three more times with exactly the same result.  Frustrated, you drop your pants, pull a seat cover out of the dispenser, arrange it on the toilet seat, turn around quickly and try to sit down only to find that the automatic toilet beats you to the punch by flushing the seat cover down before you get to sit down.  Frustrated even more, you pull another seat cover out of the dispenser, hold it up to your butt, and attempt to sit down while getting it lined up correctly.  Your friendly automatic flush toilet rewards you by flushing as you sit down.  Thus bathing your butt and hanging private parts with icy cold water.  Finally, you proceed to drop the kids off at the pool.  In the middle of this, some guy enters the stall next to you (I will talk about this more later), sits down, and farts hard enough to part the water.  Your friendly automatic flush toilet responds to this noise by flushing.  Thus bathing your butt and hanging private parts with your own crap water.  Nice.  When you are done with your business, you grab some paper and move to wipe your butt.  Your friendly automatic flush toilet responds to this movement by flushing.  Thus bathing your butt, hanging private parts, your hand, and your arm with your own crap water.  Even nicer.  After wiping your butt, you stand up to pull up your pants.  Your friendly automatic flush toilet responds to this movement by flushing yet again.  Thus bathing your bare legs and your bunched up pants with more toilet water.  Ummm, feel the love.  That’s like 9 flushes before you get the job done.  How it this technological progress?  The guy who invented this thing should have to sit on it all day while other people make farting noises that cause his toilet to flush and bath his ass and private parts with icy cold water.  Then maybe he’d invent a handle to replace the automatic flush sensor.  Oh, and about that guy next to you.  Ever been in a pit toilet in a state park?  Remember that awful smell.  That guy next to you always seems to be the guy who makes that smell.

The Stall Right Next to You

You know how they always put at least three toilets in the men’s room right up next to each other.  There’s no good reason to have to sit that close to another guy who’s dropping the kids off at the pool.  I think they should put a sign in the middle stall that reads “Hey buddy, no one wants to shit next to you.  Pick another stall or another restroom.”.

Butt Crumbs

Every go into a stall in the restroom at work and, when you go to put the disposable seat cover down, you notice that the guy who was there before you left a pile of hair, dried skin, and other assorted nasties on the back of the toilet seat?  Well I think they should put a sign on the inside of the stall door that reads “Hey buddy, take those butt crumbs with you!”.

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4 Comments on “A Few Comments about the Men’s Room”

  1. Wormy Says:

    This is why you should poop at home…just saying.

  2. Heather Says:

    Holy sensitive flusher, Batman! I find it far worse to encounter a model which doesn’t flush when expected. So there you are, faced with a bowl full of nastiness that you do NOT want the next gal (in my case, natch) to realize just came out of you, and it won’t go away. So you end up waving to the little electric eye like a friendly but confused visitor from another planet (picture here: Ford Prefect trying to shake hands with an oncoming car. And if you don’t get that reference, I’m not talking to you anymore). Maybe you even jump up and down a little, hoping to trip the optical trigger. Stall aerobics? Good times.

    Not that I would prefer the wet ass, mind you. I personally don’t think one can improve upon the big post-mounted handle flush, that you can operate by foot with only minor yoga flexibility.

    Thanks for the laugh. Is it at all inappropriate that I read this aloud to our 6yo son?

  3. JPW Says:

    Heysba yoosba guysba…I have an idea. Wanna test it out ? Place a Band-Aid or piece of tape over the lil IR sensor when you enter the stall. Remove it when your pants are back up and do a little wave…with your hand. It could be good.


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